Something Personal, A Sad Goodbye

Granny, 

I know that I didn't visit you half as often as I should have. Please understand that it was just too hard. I know now that I was selfish, but loving you from afar was much easier when you started being sick. I am sorry. Please know that I would redo it all if I could. Did you ever feel that way after someone passed away?

I know that you have been ready for this journey for quite sometime. So while I weep for the loss of you and all you mean to our family, I am also rejoicing. I know that you are celebrating now.

I am sad that I only knew you at the dusk and sunset of your life. I have grown up hearing all about your job at Dorthea Dix and Alvis, who I never knew. (I am not even sure I am spelling his name correctly, this makes me sad.)

Every single time I see a hummingbird, or a cardinal or a Chinese Buffet, please know that I will think of you. As I always do anyway. You will not be forgotten. I know that you were worried about that.

Even before you passed I would smell someone in the grocery store who smelled like you and I would smile. I will still smile.

Just last night I was laughing about how you used to make me sleep in the bed with you when I would spend the night. And how I hated it because you snored. And how you said you would protect me with your plastic baseball bat. I always felt safe at your house though, I didn't think that we would need it. 

I will tell my children about that. And also about how you told me you were struck by lightning twice. (Although we are not sure if this was true). And how you lived in a very small house with all of your brothers and sisters, parents and grandparents. And how you didn't really know there was a depression going on because you grew your own food anyway. I will tell them how you talked about living during WWII and how you had to walk to a neighbors farm to hear the news on the radio. I am sad that they will never know you. I loved listening to your stories about when you were growing up. I know that I didn't always act like it but I remember every single one.


Thank you for telling me you loved me every time I saw you. I never doubted that I was special to you. That we were all special to you. I love you too.

I will miss how you said my name with three syllables. No one else does that.

Until we meet again. 

Casey 

 Me and Granny circa 1994. :)